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My New Years Resolution for 2013
Finish writing that manifesto (56%)
Finally check out Brooklyn (22%)
Try to wear baggier pants (11%)
Stop following Stu everywhere (11%)

Who is crazier?
Your family (85%)
My family (15%)

Guns don't kill people
Lunatic men with guns kill people (64%)
Men kill people (18%)
Men with guns kill people (18%)

Best Name of an Actual Wine Grape
Pigato (33%)
Fer (33%)
Frappato (17%)
Pignolo (17%)

Worse than the Fiscal Cliff
Cliff that is unstable and above crocodile pond (46%)
Cliff that in profile, looks a bit like me (23%)
Olivia Newton John's "Let's get Physical" cliff (15%)
Cliff Bars that make you gassy (15%)

What went through my mind when I was declared sexiest person alive
My cat will be so proud (47%)
This is going to be a great Renaissance Fair (41%)
I smell like Vicks VapoRub (12%)

The name of the country made up of the seceded states
Welcome to Flavor Country (36%)
Whitey's (36%)
United States of Applebees (18%)
Freedom Village (9%)

The title of the tell-all book I'm writing about my affair with the head of the CIA
License to Kiss (50%)
Private Eyes: Just like the Hall & Oats song (20%)
I Spy Sexy Times (20%)
I'm Sexing the Head of the CIA and I know it (10%)

Any plans this week?
Voting (67%)
Thinking about Jesus reigning from Missouri (22%)
Voting for some wacky third-party candidate (11%)
Not voting (0%)

What I'm doing during the hurricane
Keeping an eye out for hurricane zombie looters (38%)
Drinking the boozes (38%)
Playing cards with the cat (14%)
Floating (10%)

Instead of "Trickle Down Economics" we originally called it
Make it rain on poor people (50%)
Drippy Drippy Drip Drip (25%)
Yay! More money! (19%)
Hang on Slang on (6%)

What I'm thinking about when not thinking about the election
I vote we take off our clothes. (60%)
Other words that begin with "v" (25%)
If my cat was voting for a cat president, who would she vote for? (10%)
Which sandwich should I vote for? (5%)

Mitt Romney Attack Ads against Sesame Street
Ernie and Bert (36%)
Imaginary hairy elephants are stealing American jobs (29%)
Super Grover only helps the 47% (29%)
Grouches get free garbage service (7%)

The name of my daughter who competes in beauty pageants
Stitches (50%)
Jessup (31%)
Kayla-Gaga (12%)
Paige-Whitney (6%)

What he didn't mention about the other 47% of our country
They have been attacked by tigers at some point (50%)
They are ghosts and he can see them (20%)
They swim upstream to mate (20%)
They are all members of the same SUV club (10%)

My favorite hotel in Las Vegas
Woo-Hoo McScammers (36%)
The Hooters Casino & Hotel (36%)
Loudy McSkankys (18%)
Fatty McElderlys (9%)

What I said to the undecided voter that I met in the frozen food aisle at the Shop-n-Mart
Can I just shake your hand and then I'll let you get back to making your selection (57%)
My opponent's soul is as cold as those frozen peas (14%)
Brrr, stick 'em, ha-ha-ha, stick ' em (14%)
My opponent wants to limit your choice of frozen dinners (14%)

Are you sexier than you were four years ago?
Yes (78%)
No (22%)

The theme of the speech I'm delivering at the Republican National Convention
I prayed that Jesus would send that hurricane towards those poor people (50%)
Keep the gays away from the water supply (25%)
Things shouldn't change (12%)
Those non-whites scare me (12%)

The basic tenets of my new robot based religion
Same-sex robot marriage is accepted (47%)
The creation story involves nerds (27%)
Monkeys are the deacons in the church (13%)
Everyone has to oil their cogs (13%)

Olympic sport I neglected to watch
Team somersault (35%)
Hopping (26%)
Beach crab walking (26%)
Dancing around in a shiny outfit (13%)

It's August? Time to
Make some milkshakes (40%)
Shave my legs (33%)
Look for a summer romance (20%)
Put away the winter clothes (7%)

Medals in Stunt Biking I will win at the 2012 London Olympics
Goooooold (50%)
Gold (25%)
Classy Gold (12%)
Gould (12%)

Why I'm canceling my "Word of the Day" account
Nerds (40%)
I know too many words already (27%)
I never know what any of these words mean (13%)
My favorite words are never Words of the Day (13%)
Words are for old people (7%)

What I just found in the pool
Foul mouthed teens (36%)
Stu floating around in a little sailor outfit (36%)
Poo (18%)
Bull sharks, box jellyfish, and sea snakes (9%)

What I did for the America Day and/or Canada Day celebration
Sat in the middle of a river (31%)
Enjoyed the free healthcare (23%)
Drove my obese family around (23%)
Sang stirring nationalistic anthems (23%)

No, really. How hot is it?
Crazy Elmo costume hot (45%)
Haute (27%)
Hot for teacher hot (18%)
Space suit hot (9%)

Actual sentences in my French/English phrase book and/or sentences that were tragically not in it
That robot is out of control! (41%)
Should I wear a condom? (29%)
Easy tiger! (18%)
Lets move in together (12%)

What I'm doing in France
Trying to talk to your attractive French sister (57%)
Pointing and Smiling (29%)
Speaking Spanish (7%)
Speaking English (7%)

My favorite fresh fish during our week at the beach
Fried (64%)
Imitation crab (21%)
Shrimp from Mexico (7%)
Shrimp from Thailand (7%)

RIM's New Blackberry Campaign
You don't need to open that attachment! (42%)
We're Microsoft cool! (25%)
The favored device of grumpy old salesmen! (17%)
We have dozens of apps available! (17%)

Things I saw in Texas and/or My bands name
Elephant shaped rock (56%)
Ghost town (33%)
Camels (11%)
Hipsters (0%)

What I plan to do over the Memorial Day weekend
See unexplainable lights (50%)
Eat tacos (25%)
Wander the desert (12%)
Visit a ghost town (12%)

Along with same-sex marriage, North Carolina's Amendment One also bans
Same-sex learning about science (50%)
Same-sex bathrooms (36%)
Same-sex shopping (7%)
Same-sex hand shaking (7%)

What is currently trending on Twitter
#StuTweets (44%)
#CuteThingsCatsDogsChildrenDo (33%)
#ChooseGravy (11%)
#TypesOfPancakes (11%)

My life is based around this passage from Leviticus
God places a dollar value on human life; women are worth less (50 - 60%) than men (45%)
Four-legged birds are an abomination to God (27%)
Handicapped people must not approach the altar (18%)
Baby girls are twice as dirty as baby boys (9%)

I'm doing a detox diet right now
Little Debbie Swiss Cake Roll cleanse (39%)
Waffle cleanse (28%)
Pie cleanse (22%)
Gravy cleanse (11%)

My Favorite Roger Moore Movie Role
Seymour Goldfarb, Jr. (47%)
Ornithologist on a train (20%)
Silky Harris (20%)
Beauregarde Maverick (13%)

Things I can't seem to draw on the game DrawSome and/or my most popular board on Pinterest
Small bits of ham with toasty edges (53%)
Tiny little things (27%)
Eyelashes (13%)
Squiggly lines (7%)

The best cats
Angry grey cats (40%)
Solid orange cats (20%)
Striped orange cats (20%)
Splotchy orange cats (20%)

Of the cake in the kitchen, this is my favorite
Carmel pecan cake (36%)
Orange cake (27%)
Chocolate pound cake (27%)
Strawberry cake (9%)

The Best Uncle
Ronny (45%)
Bob (27%)
Jim (27%)

This is National Poison Prevention Week
No black snakeroot tea (30%)
No poison sumac smoothie (30%)
No rhubarb leaf salad (20%)
No more asparagus berries on my cereal (20%)

How did I pull that muscle this past weekend while in Washington DC?
Drunken filibustering (36%)
Passing heavy laws (27%)
War on Women (18%)
Monument lifting (9%)
Tourist lifting (9%)

Once again, the most popular topic of February Smackdown was
Choose-your-own-adventure Stu (36%)
Your attractive sister (27%)
Look at this photo of something I ate (18%)
John's Ball (18%)

What I was arrested for during Mardi Gras
Objectifying myself (40%)
Keeping my shirt on (30%)
Drinking fine wine (20%)
Reading quietly (10%)

How I celebrate President's Day and Valentines Day as a combined holiday
I make sweet love to a president (50%)
I issue a proclamation about my lover (50%)

What Rick Santorum believes
Be quiet woman! (58%)
It's immoral to wear garments made of shellfish (17%)
Pennsylvania is a cool state (17%)
Bats will steal your soul (8%)

What I did for the 13th birthday of this website
Installed a new Stu (40%)
Spanking machine (25%)
Had a talk about the birds and the bees with it (20%)
Covered self in icing (10%)
Hung out in Newark (5%)

What we will learn once I release my tax returns and other financial documents
I do report my stunt bike riding winnings (35%)
I'm in some sort of sock-of-the-month club (25%)
Hush money paid to Stu (20%)
Kittens require a lot of toys (15%)
More spent on sandwiches that you'd expect (5%)

My strategy to win in the South Carolina primary
Accuse my opponent of allowing women to drive and hold jobs (54%)
Accuse my opponent of not being Jesus-y enough (31%)
Accuse my opponent of knowing a person of color (8%)
Accuse my opponent of not liking families (8%)

2012: So far
pretty lumpy (33%)
is a nice even number (25%)
all resolutions broken (25%)
awfully sexy (17%)

This year, I resolve to...
Be full of awe - some of the time (36%)
Be awesome but not in a boastful way (29%)
Be a bit more awesome (21%)
Be more awesome (14%)

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