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New Years Resolutions I've already broken
(12/29/2013-1/5/2014)
Tighter pants 24-7 (36%)
More punching or less punching. I forget which. (27%)
Stop peeing in the yard (18%)
Eat more leafy greens (18%)
(0%)



Who won the WAR on CHRISTMAS?
(12/22/2013-12/29/2013)
Rabble-Rousers (57%)
Media Elite (14%)
Bible Thumpers (14%)
The Gays (14%)



What color is Santa?
(12/15/2013-12/22/2013)
Tabby (56%)
Plaid (19%)
White (12%)
Black (6%)
Egg Shell (6%)



What type of Christmas Tree are we getting?
(12/8/2013-12/15/2013)
Fire Retardant (60%)
Prickly (20%)
Needle-some (10%)
One from the NSA (10%)
(0%)



December Already?
(12/1/2013-12/8/2013)
Where'd July go? (40%)
Still full with turkey. (40%)
I hope I can get some savings on gifts for my family (20%)



America's Favorite Thanksgiving Side Dish
(11/24/2013-12/1/2013)
Creamed Walmart Employees (50%)
Marshmallow-topped Nuclear Option (17%)
Baked Yams & Racists (17%)
Bacon-wrapped Gun Toters (17%)



The health insurance I just applied for
(11/17/2013-11/24/2013)
Catastrophic Health Insurance Plan (Stunt Bike version) (69%)
High Deductible Health Plan for Ghosts (15%)
Personal Alligator Biting Insurance (15%)



I love the colors of autumn
(11/10/2013-11/17/2013)
Hiding dog poop orange (60%)
Trash strewn yellow (30%)
Small Ziploc bags red (10%)



Why the bears keep raiding the trash cans in my parents yard
(11/3/2013-11/10/2013)
Bears love skim milk cartons (44%)
Bears love the leftovers of people who raised smart-assed children (33%)
Bears love low sodium food (11%)
Bears love Wheaties (11%)



What I'm going to be for Halloween
(10/27/2013-11/3/2013)
Colonel Sanders' sexy twin brother (79%)
Ironic sexy costume (7%)
Something with a cape (7%)
Ironic scary costume (7%)



Yummy! My favorite flavor of coffee drink has been released for autumn!
(10/20/2013-10/27/2013)
Garter snake (33%)
Sudafed & lemon tea (33%)
Dried leaf & slug (17%)
Pine needle (17%)



What will happen if we hit the debt ceiling
(10/13/2013-10/20/2013)
The upstairs neighbors will complain (33%)
Something about China (33%)
We'll leave a mark on the debt ceiling (17%)
We'll muss our hair up (17%)



The least missed National Park closed during the government shut down
(10/6/2013-10/13/2013)
Racist Squirrel National Park (40%)
Dirty Hands Food Truck National Park (30%)
Trash Beach National Park (10%)
Grand Army Plaza Traffic National Park (10%)
The Super WalMart Parking Lot National Park (10%)



Things screamed at me by irate French people (all somewhat true)
(9/29/2013-10/6/2013)
"Your snail eating skills are quite good!" (45%)
"You're driving style is admirable!" (27%)
"Please pet my puppy!" (18%)
"Do you find it odd how almost moderate the prices are!" (9%)



What I'm doing instead of making Weekly Poll questions
(9/22/2013-9/29/2013)
Eating cheese and drinking wine and wearing a beret (43%)
Eating cheese (29%)
Eating cheese and drinking wine (29%)



The least used phrase in my French phrase book
(9/15/2013-9/22/2013)
"Ne me touchez pas" (39%)
"N'arręte pas! Chouette alors!" (33%)
"Il faut arręter maintenant" (17%)
"Je ne bois pas" (11%)



French phrases I'm memorizing now
(9/8/2013-9/15/2013)
"These are not the droids you're looking for. Those droids over there are." (33%)
"Tamara forgot her fish" (33%)
"Where is your selection of short pants?" (20%)
"Heavy petting" (13%)



What I did this summer
(9/1/2013-9/8/2013)
Straight married Stu (60%)
Gay married Stu (40%)



The hottest hair removal product in the world
(8/25/2013-9/1/2013)
Artisanal Flowbee (38%)
Duct tape hat (31%)
Angry reality show lady fighting (23%)
Male pattern baldness (8%)



The advice I gave Stu regarding his upcoming wedding ceremony
(8/18/2013-8/25/2013)
Make out with your best man (50%)
Eat during the reception (25%)
Dance like a goofball (25%)



Why we won't be putting an offer in on your apartment...
(8/11/2013-8/18/2013)
He's a man who hangs out near your door. He's not a door man. (58%)
Hobos on the fire escape (17%)
Free pack of wild dogs included with purchase (17%)
So many bloodstains (8%)



Yes, I was the one who came up the gift idea for your baby shower!
(8/4/2013-8/11/2013)
Bag of rock salt (42%)
Bag of doll heads (33%)
Bag of avocados (17%)
Bag of tricks (8%)



Wait, "LOL" means "Laugh out loud"?!
(7/28/2013-8/4/2013)
"Love our Larry!" (58%)
"Laxadasical orgasim length" (25%)
"Load of laundry" (17%)



On our episode of HGTV's House Hunters I said...
(7/21/2013-7/28/2013)
"We like to entertain. With our hands." (44%)
"Aiyee! Snakes!" (25%)
"Is there space here for our pony?" (19%)
"I can see Stu from here." (6%)
"I could really see myself cutting some fruit here" (6%)



The sequel to the movie Sharknado
(7/14/2013-7/21/2013)
Shark Derecho (56%)
Shark Nor'easters (33%)
Shark Squall (11%)



It's so hot
(7/7/2013-7/14/2013)
Like your attractive cousin (45%)
Stu is so sweaty (27%)
Like your brother (18%)
Like your sister (9%)



I think I'll have to buy a new AC.
(6/30/2013-7/7/2013)
Grumpy Yelling Old Man AC Superstore (45%)
Greenpoint Artisanal AC Co-Op (36%)
Greedy Obese Bastard Air Conditioning, Inc. (9%)
Gary's Slightly Cat-Pee-Smelling Appliance Closet & Gelato (9%)



What I learned on my trip to Myrtle Beach, SC
(6/23/2013-6/30/2013)
My nephew farts (50%)
Imported cheap seafood is still in style (29%)
Obesity is still in style (14%)
SUVs are still in style (7%)



What I saw in Australia!
(6/16/2013-6/23/2013)
Roooooooos! (56%)
KangaKangaKangaRoooooos! (22%)
Kangaroos! (11%)
Kanga? Roooos! (11%)



Where am I?
(6/9/2013-6/16/2013)
On a plane. (62%)
On a plane. (25%)
On a plane. (12%)



New York City is now known as the
(6/2/2013-6/9/2013)
Big Homophobic Apple (44%)
Big Stink Apple (22%)
Medium-sized melon (22%)
Big Luxury Condo Apple (11%)



The sale I took advantage of during Memorial Day
(5/26/2013-6/2/2013)
Kisses with your attractive sister sale (43%)
Brown pants sale (29%)
Slightly used mattress sale (14%)
Awkward looking American-made car sale (14%)



The Feel of Cotton
(5/19/2013-5/26/2013)
Candy (50%)
Mouths (50%)



Please help me decide on the name of my new artisanal products store here in Brooklyn
(5/12/2013-5/19/2013)
Tiny Shirts for Tiny Humans (55%)
High Waisters (18%)
The Pinecone Knows All (9%)
Citibank Presents "Brooklyn" (9%)
Pootland (9%)



Inventions I've not yet invented yet
(5/5/2013-5/12/2013)
Internet chat rooms (actual rooms where people chat about the internet) (43%)
The Stu Compass (tells you which direction Stu is) (29%)
Cat Roomba (small vacuum that vacuums my always shedding cat) (14%)
Slapping Bag (like a punching bag, but you slap it) (7%)
Robot that builds other robot-building robots (7%)



Facts about Hawaii
(4/28/2013-5/5/2013)
Would it be wrong to order escargot? (40%)
Hula skirts. I need to shave my legs. (30%)
These islands will eventually sink back into the ocean (10%)
Pineapples. Vodka or rum. (10%)
Very few hawaiian mountain lions (10%)



What I know about Chechens
(4/21/2013-4/28/2013)
Their pagan religion was still strong until the 19th century (but that didn't stop them from drinking all my soda) (29%)
They have been described as "a bold and dangerous people (maybe they could bring their own soda next time)" by the Russians (29%)
Chechens today have a strong sense of nation (and soda drinking) (29%)
They are always thirsty for soda (6%)
They are one of the Vainakh peoples (who like to drink my soda) (6%)



Here's the solution: Only same-sex married couples can buy guns
(4/14/2013-4/21/2013)
Yes (92%)
No (8%)



Why Kim Jong-un has targeted happyrobot world headquarters
(4/7/2013-4/14/2013)
Our handsome sister won't move to North Korea to be his mistress (53%)
Something Stu said (27%)
South Korea loves happyrobot (13%)
Our monkeys threw something at him (7%)



Ah, Spring. The season where my thoughts turn to...
(3/31/2013-4/7/2013)
Sexy times (while trying to find my rain boots) (44%)
Sexy times (while thinking about your handsome sister) (22%)
Sexy times (while wearing woolen sweaters) (17%)
Sexy times (while taking decongestants) (17%)



Why religious fundamentalists are against same-sex marriage
(3/24/2013-3/31/2013)
Wedding receptions that go longer than 45 minutes are an amboniation (50%)
Hate buying wedding gifts (20%)
Troubled by the impact it will have on the bride & groom cake topper industry (20%)
Always gets drunk and cries at weddings (10%)



My favorite speaker at the recent Conservative Political Action Conference
(3/17/2013-3/24/2013)
Bigoted Fat Man With Contradictory Views (33%)
Paranoid White Man With Pie Chart (28%)
Hysterical White Woman Desperate For Television Contract (22%)
Creepy White Man Who Stares Too Long With Hairpiece (17%)



The reality show pitch I just made to the network
(3/10/2013-3/17/2013)
Celebrity Pope (29%)
Celebrity Filibuster (29%)
America's next mass shooter (29%)
Who's the next American Drone Strike (14%)



No Pope!
(3/3/2013-3/10/2013)
Time to get sinful (75%)
Now we can all wear red slippers (12%)
Dogs and cats living together (12%)



I'll be dimming the lights in the main cabin
(2/24/2013-3/3/2013)
Things are about to get upright and locked (31%)
The local time is time to get busy (31%)
Our refreshments on this flight include "awwww yea" and "c'mon gurl" (25%)
There's no smoking allowed on this flight - except for smokin' ladies (12%)



Why I'll miss Saturday mail delivery
(2/17/2013-2/24/2013)
My bulk mail collection will suffer (57%)
The friendly chat with my mail carrier (14%)
I love information about the new deals at Rent-a-Center (14%)
I will miss the mangled mail (14%)



The Pope is retiring to
(2/10/2013-2/17/2013)
Spend more time with his family (50%)
Concentrate on his job as assistant manager at Hobby Lobby (33%)
Work on his custom shoe company that produces shiny red slippers for men (8%)
Teach a community college class on iPhone photography (8%)



Places that won't let me carry my un-concealed gun on their premises anymore
(2/3/2013-2/10/2013)
The Fireworks and Large Gas Tank Store (44%)
The National Hoplophobia Headquarters (33%)
Bang-Bang's Steak & Fish Camp (11%)
Steve's house (11%)



Plans for the upcoming birthday of the award winning website happyrobot
(1/27/2013-2/3/2013)
Taking it to the limit (46%)
Taking it private (31%)
Taking it public (15%)
Updating our privacy policy (8%)



Things I like about Joe Biden
(1/20/2013-1/27/2013)
He once won a dance contest in order to save a community center (50%)
He makes a good turkey sandwich (20%)
He doesn't mind me poking him on Facebook all the time (20%)
He once won an arm wrestling contest (10%)



The working of title of the new happyrobot "E-Book"
(1/13/2013-1/20/2013)
Hold Tight Monkey to this Book (77%)
Haps Robots? (8%)
Robot Shades of Robot (8%)
Words to inspire youths (8%)



January arrives and a young man's thoughts turn to
(1/6/2013-1/13/2013)
chapped lips (43%)
brandy (29%)
sniffles (14%)
wool (14%)




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