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New Years Resolutions I've already broken
Tighter pants 24-7 (36%)
More punching or less punching. I forget which. (27%)
Stop peeing in the yard (18%)
Eat more leafy greens (18%)

Who won the WAR on CHRISTMAS?
Rabble-Rousers (57%)
Media Elite (14%)
Bible Thumpers (14%)
The Gays (14%)

What color is Santa?
Tabby (56%)
Plaid (19%)
White (12%)
Black (6%)
Egg Shell (6%)

What type of Christmas Tree are we getting?
Fire Retardant (60%)
Prickly (20%)
Needle-some (10%)
One from the NSA (10%)

December Already?
Where'd July go? (40%)
Still full with turkey. (40%)
I hope I can get some savings on gifts for my family (20%)

America's Favorite Thanksgiving Side Dish
Creamed Walmart Employees (50%)
Marshmallow-topped Nuclear Option (17%)
Baked Yams & Racists (17%)
Bacon-wrapped Gun Toters (17%)

The health insurance I just applied for
Catastrophic Health Insurance Plan (Stunt Bike version) (69%)
High Deductible Health Plan for Ghosts (15%)
Personal Alligator Biting Insurance (15%)

I love the colors of autumn
Hiding dog poop orange (60%)
Trash strewn yellow (30%)
Small Ziploc bags red (10%)

Why the bears keep raiding the trash cans in my parents yard
Bears love skim milk cartons (44%)
Bears love the leftovers of people who raised smart-assed children (33%)
Bears love low sodium food (11%)
Bears love Wheaties (11%)

What I'm going to be for Halloween
Colonel Sanders' sexy twin brother (79%)
Ironic sexy costume (7%)
Something with a cape (7%)
Ironic scary costume (7%)

Yummy! My favorite flavor of coffee drink has been released for autumn!
Garter snake (33%)
Sudafed & lemon tea (33%)
Dried leaf & slug (17%)
Pine needle (17%)

What will happen if we hit the debt ceiling
The upstairs neighbors will complain (33%)
Something about China (33%)
We'll leave a mark on the debt ceiling (17%)
We'll muss our hair up (17%)

The least missed National Park closed during the government shut down
Racist Squirrel National Park (40%)
Dirty Hands Food Truck National Park (30%)
Trash Beach National Park (10%)
Grand Army Plaza Traffic National Park (10%)
The Super WalMart Parking Lot National Park (10%)

Things screamed at me by irate French people (all somewhat true)
"Your snail eating skills are quite good!" (45%)
"You're driving style is admirable!" (27%)
"Please pet my puppy!" (18%)
"Do you find it odd how almost moderate the prices are!" (9%)

What I'm doing instead of making Weekly Poll questions
Eating cheese and drinking wine and wearing a beret (43%)
Eating cheese (29%)
Eating cheese and drinking wine (29%)

The least used phrase in my French phrase book
"Ne me touchez pas" (39%)
"N'arręte pas! Chouette alors!" (33%)
"Il faut arręter maintenant" (17%)
"Je ne bois pas" (11%)

French phrases I'm memorizing now
"These are not the droids you're looking for. Those droids over there are." (33%)
"Tamara forgot her fish" (33%)
"Where is your selection of short pants?" (20%)
"Heavy petting" (13%)

What I did this summer
Straight married Stu (60%)
Gay married Stu (40%)

The hottest hair removal product in the world
Artisanal Flowbee (38%)
Duct tape hat (31%)
Angry reality show lady fighting (23%)
Male pattern baldness (8%)

The advice I gave Stu regarding his upcoming wedding ceremony
Make out with your best man (50%)
Eat during the reception (25%)
Dance like a goofball (25%)

Why we won't be putting an offer in on your apartment...
He's a man who hangs out near your door. He's not a door man. (58%)
Hobos on the fire escape (17%)
Free pack of wild dogs included with purchase (17%)
So many bloodstains (8%)

Yes, I was the one who came up the gift idea for your baby shower!
Bag of rock salt (42%)
Bag of doll heads (33%)
Bag of avocados (17%)
Bag of tricks (8%)

Wait, "LOL" means "Laugh out loud"?!
"Love our Larry!" (58%)
"Laxadasical orgasim length" (25%)
"Load of laundry" (17%)

On our episode of HGTV's House Hunters I said...
"We like to entertain. With our hands." (44%)
"Aiyee! Snakes!" (25%)
"Is there space here for our pony?" (19%)
"I can see Stu from here." (6%)
"I could really see myself cutting some fruit here" (6%)

The sequel to the movie Sharknado
Shark Derecho (56%)
Shark Nor'easters (33%)
Shark Squall (11%)

It's so hot
Like your attractive cousin (45%)
Stu is so sweaty (27%)
Like your brother (18%)
Like your sister (9%)

I think I'll have to buy a new AC.
Grumpy Yelling Old Man AC Superstore (45%)
Greenpoint Artisanal AC Co-Op (36%)
Greedy Obese Bastard Air Conditioning, Inc. (9%)
Gary's Slightly Cat-Pee-Smelling Appliance Closet & Gelato (9%)

What I learned on my trip to Myrtle Beach, SC
My nephew farts (50%)
Imported cheap seafood is still in style (29%)
Obesity is still in style (14%)
SUVs are still in style (7%)

What I saw in Australia!
Roooooooos! (56%)
KangaKangaKangaRoooooos! (22%)
Kangaroos! (11%)
Kanga? Roooos! (11%)

Where am I?
On a plane. (62%)
On a plane. (25%)
On a plane. (12%)

New York City is now known as the
Big Homophobic Apple (44%)
Big Stink Apple (22%)
Medium-sized melon (22%)
Big Luxury Condo Apple (11%)

The sale I took advantage of during Memorial Day
Kisses with your attractive sister sale (43%)
Brown pants sale (29%)
Slightly used mattress sale (14%)
Awkward looking American-made car sale (14%)

The Feel of Cotton
Candy (50%)
Mouths (50%)

Please help me decide on the name of my new artisanal products store here in Brooklyn
Tiny Shirts for Tiny Humans (55%)
High Waisters (18%)
The Pinecone Knows All (9%)
Citibank Presents "Brooklyn" (9%)
Pootland (9%)

Inventions I've not yet invented yet
Internet chat rooms (actual rooms where people chat about the internet) (43%)
The Stu Compass (tells you which direction Stu is) (29%)
Cat Roomba (small vacuum that vacuums my always shedding cat) (14%)
Slapping Bag (like a punching bag, but you slap it) (7%)
Robot that builds other robot-building robots (7%)

Facts about Hawaii
Would it be wrong to order escargot? (40%)
Hula skirts. I need to shave my legs. (30%)
These islands will eventually sink back into the ocean (10%)
Pineapples. Vodka or rum. (10%)
Very few hawaiian mountain lions (10%)

What I know about Chechens
Their pagan religion was still strong until the 19th century (but that didn't stop them from drinking all my soda) (29%)
They have been described as "a bold and dangerous people (maybe they could bring their own soda next time)" by the Russians (29%)
Chechens today have a strong sense of nation (and soda drinking) (29%)
They are always thirsty for soda (6%)
They are one of the Vainakh peoples (who like to drink my soda) (6%)

Here's the solution: Only same-sex married couples can buy guns
Yes (92%)
No (8%)

Why Kim Jong-un has targeted happyrobot world headquarters
Our handsome sister won't move to North Korea to be his mistress (53%)
Something Stu said (27%)
South Korea loves happyrobot (13%)
Our monkeys threw something at him (7%)

Ah, Spring. The season where my thoughts turn to...
Sexy times (while trying to find my rain boots) (44%)
Sexy times (while thinking about your handsome sister) (22%)
Sexy times (while wearing woolen sweaters) (17%)
Sexy times (while taking decongestants) (17%)

Why religious fundamentalists are against same-sex marriage
Wedding receptions that go longer than 45 minutes are an amboniation (50%)
Hate buying wedding gifts (20%)
Troubled by the impact it will have on the bride & groom cake topper industry (20%)
Always gets drunk and cries at weddings (10%)

My favorite speaker at the recent Conservative Political Action Conference
Bigoted Fat Man With Contradictory Views (33%)
Paranoid White Man With Pie Chart (28%)
Hysterical White Woman Desperate For Television Contract (22%)
Creepy White Man Who Stares Too Long With Hairpiece (17%)

The reality show pitch I just made to the network
Celebrity Pope (29%)
Celebrity Filibuster (29%)
America's next mass shooter (29%)
Who's the next American Drone Strike (14%)

No Pope!
Time to get sinful (75%)
Now we can all wear red slippers (12%)
Dogs and cats living together (12%)

I'll be dimming the lights in the main cabin
Things are about to get upright and locked (31%)
The local time is time to get busy (31%)
Our refreshments on this flight include "awwww yea" and "c'mon gurl" (25%)
There's no smoking allowed on this flight - except for smokin' ladies (12%)

Why I'll miss Saturday mail delivery
My bulk mail collection will suffer (57%)
The friendly chat with my mail carrier (14%)
I love information about the new deals at Rent-a-Center (14%)
I will miss the mangled mail (14%)

The Pope is retiring to
Spend more time with his family (50%)
Concentrate on his job as assistant manager at Hobby Lobby (33%)
Work on his custom shoe company that produces shiny red slippers for men (8%)
Teach a community college class on iPhone photography (8%)

Places that won't let me carry my un-concealed gun on their premises anymore
The Fireworks and Large Gas Tank Store (44%)
The National Hoplophobia Headquarters (33%)
Bang-Bang's Steak & Fish Camp (11%)
Steve's house (11%)

Plans for the upcoming birthday of the award winning website happyrobot
Taking it to the limit (46%)
Taking it private (31%)
Taking it public (15%)
Updating our privacy policy (8%)

Things I like about Joe Biden
He once won a dance contest in order to save a community center (50%)
He makes a good turkey sandwich (20%)
He doesn't mind me poking him on Facebook all the time (20%)
He once won an arm wrestling contest (10%)

The working of title of the new happyrobot "E-Book"
Hold Tight Monkey to this Book (77%)
Haps Robots? (8%)
Robot Shades of Robot (8%)
Words to inspire youths (8%)

January arrives and a young man's thoughts turn to
chapped lips (43%)
brandy (29%)
sniffles (14%)
wool (14%)

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