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  • Joe Millionaire (episode I)
    FOX - WHO ELSE!?
    by lisa may

    Let me just preface by saying I ran around the house in pure GLEE at the beginning of this show because it's so over the top and so horrific and I was loving every minute of it.

    You SHOULD know the gist of this show but if you don't, here it is in a nutshell: One guy, twenty girls, a chateau in France. The girls think this guy has just inherited $50 million buckaroos. They set about wooing him in hopes that he chooses one of them to be his queen, princess, gal, hoochie mama, love bug, snuggly bear, pooh bear - what have you. The secret is: our "Joe Millionaire" neé Evan Marriott, is a construction worker who makes $19,000 a year. And really, what kind of construction worker is he? I thought those guys made like 40 bucks an hour...

    The first 15 minutes of the show are priceless. We're introduced to the butler/host/narrator, Paul and he’s everything you'd want in a butler - be-spectacled, be-white-haired, be-tuxed, be-English-accented. He works to refine Evan just a tad - introducing him to wine, fine foods, dancing and which fork is for salad. Evan even learns to ride a horse.

    The girls arrive and at least 15 of the 20 make comments about having dreamed for SO LONG about being a princess and at last it has come true. These girls range in age from 22-32 and have occupations such as personal assistant, substitute teacher and physician. You got your blondes, your brunettes, your African-American and your Asian –American. The first show doesn’t delve into the personalities of the ladies just yet but give a chiropractor five minutes with each one and I can guarantee he’d find few spines in the group. Evan rides up on a horse to introduce himself. When he tries to hoist himself back on the horse, he hits his chin on the saddle. It’s truly adorable and every last girl is ga-ga for him. Yes, he is cute, humble, tall, dark and handsome. And all these ladies think he has a bazillion bucks when in reality his greatest ambition is to drive a backhoe and try ALL the chalupas Taco Bell has to offer.

    Evan has a hard time “lying” to the gals about his real status in life. One girl trips him up by asking his middle name (she claims she wants to try to “really get to know him”). Well, Evan’s whole name is Evan Wallace Marriott and he’s going by Evan Wallace for the show. So when the girl asked his middle name there was complete dead silence for a full minute while he tried to think of a new middle name. It was awkward. And I’d like to think that if I was on the show I’d maybe think “something” was up – after all, it is on FOX.

    Everyone attends a ball the first night where 8 girls are already eliminated. Before the ball, the gang is ushered in the dining room where there are twenty gowns for twenty girls. There are some tussles over who’s going to wear what dress but everyone shows up more or less clothed. There seems to be a predominant amount of droopy, flat, flapjack boobs (and I say you gotta Miracle Bra those puppies or keep ‘em to yourself!) Evan dances with each girl and then has the butler pass out the pearl necklaces – REAL PEARL NECKLACES. As each stage of the game progresses, the jewelry is going to get more and more fancy – presumably working up to an engagement ring of some sort – whatever you can get on $19K a year.

    Next week, Joe-Evan will eliminate seven more unlucky ladies and then I believe the real fun will begin. I can’t say that I will watch ALL the episodes but I will totally tune in for the series finale to find out which girl gets screwed over and to watch the PRICELESS expression that is sure to be on her face when she finds out that her Prince Charming’s idea of a hot date - and the only thing he can afford - is Mickey D’s and a rerun of COPS (courtesy of FOX).

    Side note: One of the more prevalent commercials during the show (aside from tampon, maxi-pad and Swiffer© ads) was an upcoming FOX show called “Married by America” in which people are paired together and married off based on the recommendation of the public calling in their votes! Yee-haw!