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  • the bachelor
    ABC
    by lisa may

    Ninja, puhlease!

    If I watched this show every Monday night for 6 weeks and drank every time a girl either cried or said "I'm really falling in love with him!" I would still be wasted.

    Twenty-five girls decide to prostrate themselves for the love of one guy. Alex is 31, 6 feet 1 and a graduate of Harvard and Stanford. He's good-looking but on a second glance, you note that there's something about him that isn't good-looking - oh, right, that's his EGO taking over his face. His favorite beverages are root beer and fresh squeezed orange juice. His favorite snack? Balance Bars. He likes to snack on Balance Bars. Now, if any of these girls had an OUNCE of self-respect, they'd hightail it out of there but apparently, they're all dying to settle down with a man that considers a Balance Bar a "snack". Don't men eat Cheeto-s and drink beer anymore? Even carrot sticks would be an improvement.

    How the game, I mean "show", works is that Alex spends time with each gal and at the end of the first show, picks 15 girls he wants to "get to know better". I forgot to mention that this is all set at a gorgeous, seaside home in Malibu. My whole gripe with this show is that they don't place it in a real situation. I got an idea: why not have everyone over to Alex's bachelor pad and see who wants to marry him then. I am sure one look at his sparse refrigerator, messy bathroom and girl-laid-across-a-Ferrari poster and they'll change their minds.

    Through the course of the series, girls are asked to leave because - I don't know - they wouldn't tongue Alex on the first date or they wouldn't expose their deepest, darkest secrets on TV. At some point, when he's narrowed it down to 5 girls, they all get to meet each other's families. Everyone is all so serious about this whole thing - like it might actually result in a normal marriage. When it gets down to three girls, Alex and each girl get to take a trip somewhere. I could only stomach watching him take Amanda to New York City. It's February and they're on top of an Apple Tour bus wrapped in a blanket when Alex says "Tell me about your boobs." I almost crapped my pants. Apparently, in an earlier episode, Amanda mentioned she had a boob job. So, on the double-decker bus she explains to Alex that her boobs were uneven so she got them evened out to a busty size 36DD. Amanda was also married before (she's only 23 for crying out loud) but that she had it annulled - this makes Alex feel a lot better. When they're at dinner, they get to open an envelope from the host that says a room has been reserved for them or they can just sleep in separate rooms. The two of them cannot leave the table fast enough. Of course, just to add to the unrealistic aspect of it all, they are staying at the "W" which is like 200 bucks a night minimum. There's a little camera in the room and we watch them climb on the bed and kiss a little and then Alex picks up the phone to order something from room service. The item ordered is called ""Sex In The Sheets." Ingredients: ice cream, hot fudge, caramel, Polaroid camera and a plastic sheet. If I were the waitress delivering this I would crap my pants when the person opened the door. Alex turns off the camera and the last thing we see is a Polaroid of Amanda with chocolate on herů.face.

    So, in the end, Alex picks Amanda. Or at least, he picks her boobs. He doesn't propose to her even though he has the ring. He's going to wait and get to know her boobs better. I heard on the radio that one of the jilted girls is complaining because apparently Alex turned off the camera at one point and said "you're the one". I guess she's never been crapped on before. The radio announcer made a good point: did she forget she was dealing with a red-blooded male? According to articles in the paper, Alex and Amanda are moving to L.A. but will get separate apartments (with plastic sheets for the beds and the furniture.)

    ABC is currently taken applications for the next Bachelor.