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  • "Chaotic" with Britney & Kevin
    UPN
    by victoria

    Dear GOD. This show is so dirty you need lysol wipes to scrub off your screen afterwards. It is an unfortunate feature of human physionomy that you cannot open your skull with a handy flip-top feature to clean off your brain as well...

    This first episode of "Chaotic" began with Britney's UK tour for the ONYX Hotel. When it's not Britney turning the crappy Blair-Witch-style handicam on herself, forcing us to look up her nostrils as she utters such deep phrases as "Can you handle *my* truth?", it's Britney's terrifyingly shrill-voiced assistant videotaping Britney's backstage shenanigans! Oh-ho-ho-ho-ho!
    Britney, you shouldn't be running around backstage asking people their favorite sex positions--that's rude! You get to occasionally see footage from the ONYX HOTEL shows as well--at least the ONYX got its money's worth when they found a terrifying yet somehow cool-in-a-Cirque-de-Soleil-way transgender Ringmaster to introduce the show... Continuing with more footage of Britney having makeup applied to her, Britney torturing her dancers with more ridiculous questions about "Relationships...and...stuff". More shots of an unsuspecting England about to be invaded.

    Then we get Kevin Federline.

    Britney starts commenting on how, all the while she was on tour, she kept on thinking of this guy back in Hollywood...then we cut to scenes of Kevin-the-scuzzbag, looking high as a kite and mutting phrases about "Yuhea...me and Britney...I was livin' with a friend of mine at the time...I saw Britney at a club..." The eloquence is truly mindboggling. Britney continued gushing about how she instantly *felt* this emotional connection with Kevin--I don't know how you could feel an emotional connection to a soul-less gold-digger, but that's just me--and Kevin comes out with more ridiculous bullshit statements.
    My favorite are his thoughts on love: "Love is love. It is everything. It's everything." Britney's large security guard, who apparently has her best interests at heart more than anyone else in her inner circle, expresses his suspicions of Kevin, the scumbag/future husband. We get footage of Kevin naked in the shower (electronically obscured of course, but...) being filmed by Britney...we get footage of Britney running on the treadmill and being asked "where'd you get that glow, Brit?" and her responding "I had sex with Kevin three times today!" GACCK!! GAAAACK!!!

    Don't watch this show.